A lot of people have different misconceptions regarding Clinical Depression. Whether you respect it or not, just believe that it is a disease! An illness. A disorder. Just like Cancer, people can die of Depression. It's crazy how many people don't acknowledge this illness as anything but a "state of mind".
I am not a licensed physician, a psychologist, or even a psychometrician! I'm just a regular 18 year old trying to send a message. In this post, I am going to let you see the real story behind depression. If any of you feel sorry at all, I'd be glad. Not because I'd spread the word, but because it'd mean that the world still has a chance for change.
"Everything is great. My family loves me. My friends love me. My boyfriend loves me. And I'm even sure that my teachers love me too, but I can't shake off this feeling of being....alone.
I am literally surrounded by people who love me and I love back, but suddenly, it's like a flip switch that flicked closed and all the light and happiness just...left. It escaped from this little world I call reality, and now all I could think of is how bad my life is, even though nothing has changed.
I didn't need to start drinking or taking drugs to feel like this. I've decided a long time ago that I never wanted to do all that because I've never felt the need to. And yet this happened to me. Most people relate depression to being an alcoholic or drug addict, but it's not true. In my journey, I have met so many people who are exactly like me. People who have had their eyes drained of light. People who have hearts deprived of love. Real people with a real illness called Depression.
When someone says, "I have Depression", people either don't take it seriously, or cringe and stay away from them. While the few people that stick around usually become ultra cautious because they immediately assume that this person is suicidal. More often, people with depression are suicidal. More often, people with depression have gone through a terrible experience in their lives which provoked the disease. More often... but not always.
I'm not suicidal. Do I think that my life has no purpose? No. I do have a purpose. I just don't think I can succeed, so why try? Do I want my life to end? No. I am a very religious person and God has His own plans for me. So, why should I feel obligated to ruin His plans? Do I want my life to go on? No.
I don't want my life to end, but somehow, imagining my life go on is an impossibility. If you have depression, you'll know what I mean. Having depression, every bit of thought in your mind turns into negativity in a millisecond. To be honest, as days go by, you wouldn't even have the energy to think of a positive thought. You'd get so tired of your mind shutting down all the good stuff, that you end up creating the negative thoughts by yourself.
It feels like a mental hangover. One that doesn't get better after a few days. One that doesn't get easier. One that gets worst day by day — or in this case, night by night.
You can ask anybody in my life, and I am sure that they would describe me being a happy person. A ball of sunshine that brings joy to everywhere I go. And until now, I am. Around my friends, I enjoy myself and have fun with them. They laugh at my jokes and I laugh at theirs. Because depression isn't a 3-hour movie with no commercial breaks. Depression — at least for me — is a TV series with several commercials in between and something that premieres once a week.
Every time I get 'hit', I tell people I'm having an episode, because to be honest, that's how it feels like. That's why you can't judge a happy person with depression for being an attention-seeker. We don't choose when we get hit by our episodes. Sometimes it happens once a day, sometimes thrice a day. I can't tell, because my body doesn't tell me. There is no pre-episode symptom to look out for. It just hits you. And when it does, you'll know.
Having depression is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even worse than that time I forgot to use a condom. Even worst than that time my Dad didn't come pick me up when I was 6. To be honest, having depression this time around was worst than when I had it 4 years ago.
I've had depression before but it was different because what I had before was provoked by the bullies around me. The bullying that turned into insecurities that led to depression. It was terrible. But what I have now is even worse.
Everything has no reason. I'm sad for no reason. I feel terrible for no reason. I cry for no reason (and involuntarily). Every terrible feeling that I feel has no reason, yet I just know that I have the disease. I can go to endless counseling session and I'm sure that would help but it wouldn't really fix the problem. Depression has a cure, but without a cause of disease, it's almost impossible to find the cure.
At every end of your day, you'd just give up to the disease and allow it to play with your emotions. Giving up to the 'cancer' that has poisoned your mind and body..."
This post may not be a word-by-word description of what it feels like to have depression, but I hope that you understand the struggles of having depression through this. And if you do, please share this post link to start making a change. Mental Health Awareness is very very important. So, please! Let's not just spread the word, let's make a change!!
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